Are you normal? Do you look in the mirror and think “I look just like a nice ordinary guy”? Are you sick of your appropriate hair cut and your actually prescription glasses that you need to see? Do you enjoy eating at mainstream restaurants like Olive Garden with your infinite garlic rolls and not sit there thinking about how LeJames Artisan Organic Rustic Pizza Emporium has way better organic farm fresh onions on their pizza? Are you wondering why in this infinite normalcy you feel like an alien surrounded by hipster plebes? Well fear no more. When you need to go out and socialize and don’t want anyone to know you are just a normal nice human, there are ways to disguise yourself so that you too, can be a millennial hipster doucheba–cool guy.
Get Yourself Some Contacts & Fake Glasses
You may be thinking, why can’t I just not wear my contacts and wear my glasses instead. This is unacceptable. God forbid those millennials know that you have actually impaired vision, the true purpose for the existence of glasses. No. You only wear glasses to be fashionable and look hip amongst your peers. Get yourself to Costco Optical and get some affordable contact lenses (I wouldn’t know because I have perfect vision like the other assho–cool kids, but Acuvue Oasys contacts are great……..I’ve heard.)
Once you’ve hidden your shameful terrible vision, go and find yourself a pair of non prescription glasses to wear. Ideally we want the most ironic style you can find. This typically means a style that was worn by actual smart people and techies 20 years ago, for which they were mercilessly mocked for wearing, that have now been misappropriated as cool and trendy by the very assholes that disparaged the original folks for wearing them; something good and “ironically” dweeby like these or these. Choosing this style shows that you are superior from those nerds because while you are allowed to ridicule them for wearing these frames, you, Mr. Cool Guy, get to wear them and be hip and trendy. Lucky you.
Doesn’t get much cooler than that.
Throw Your PC in the Trash & Get a MacBook
You won’t dare be seen with any laptop but an Apple laptop. Having a MacBook Air or MacBook Pro is just a standard in this lifestyle. It doesn’t matter if you’ve custom built a Windows machine with the best video card on the market and more RAM than any Mac has ever seen, because all your peers can see is that glorious glowing Apple on the back of your laptop and decide that you are worthy or not. A $4,000 top of the line superior machine in the form of anything but a Mac will be treated like you are a weird horrible nerd from the nineties. Anyone who is anyone knows that only Apple computers can do anything.
Eat Only Gluten Free Organic Vegan & Take Up Smoking
Nothing quite solidifies your hip status quite like eating the most specific, demanding, and restrictive diet there is. Ham sandwiches are for trash people, you only eat gluten free cauliflower wraps with organic pressed tofu and artisan vegan sundried tomato hummus with essence of sesame dust and fresh basil shavings. You best hide your Subway sandwich punch card and pull out your Cafe Gratitude recurring member placard and get ready to eat a whole lot of kale. You can also casually mention your membership to things like Thrive Market, Sun Basket, and how you’ve definitely banned any price appropriate stores like Smart & Final due to their lack of organic selection.
Now, this insistence on eating as healthy as possible is a moot point unless you also smoke. Without the ironic juxtaposition of smoking with this vegan gluten free organic artisan craft lifestyle, no millennial will believe that you are serious about health. Now get your ass over here and buy yourself some cigarettes to get cancer with.
Get a Proper Hipster Haircut
Pokemon Go is all the rage these days, and hipster men know it too. They have all gotten the Pidgeotto haircut and you are nothing if you don’t get one too. Also, grow an enormous lumber jack beard. Girls, get as hideous of an old lady haircut as you can, and bangs that are too short for your forehead. Done and done.
Get Some Sweet Threads
Now clearly, one of the keys to looking the part is dressing the part. And part of dressing the part, is talking about how you got everything from Goodwill, and then wearing $600 boots and $400 sunglasses to accompany said outfit. Buying purposely ugly old clothes might look like you’re poor, even though you look cool in your “vintage” look. This would be akin to social crucifixion, so you must be sure to buy a pair of real leather (despite being “vegan”) distressed designer boots, where you pay someone hundreds to make your boots look old, but the Balenciaga label lets your hip buddies know how much you paid for them. Also, any and every hipster needs Ray-Bans because Ray-Bans.
You Are Now Unique Just Like Every Shi–Cool Millennial Hipster
Look at you! Hip and millennial and unique in the exact same way as every single other millennial! Now no one will ever know that you are an actually interesting, self thinking individual with a brain of your very own, and you can go to that artisan organic non-GMO coffee shop without feeling the shameful glares of the millennials who are going to destr–advance and benefit society as whole.
This post is also available in: English